music for your soul

I'm telling you, Justin Vernon and Sean Carey know how to pull at my heartstrings. 

Between the delicate yet powerful piano voice, and their heartfelt, luminous melodies, I melt.

 This video is from earlier this year, but if you haven't appreciated it yet, I highly recommend doing so.

Enjoy.

Ready?

Growing up, I became the type of girl looking out for wondrous "signs" from God. I went to a small Christian school in junior high, and tended to take everything I learned incredibly serious. There was no joking around when it came to God. Everything was pitch black or stark white. Everything was either really good or terribly evil... I was awkward. However, to my credit, I was passionate, and serious, like I said...

So, naturally with an eager, fresh mind, I was always looking out for things God could be trying to tell me. After all, a sign could be anywhere... Well today, that's changed. I'm not so eager and fresh, and honestly sometimes I feel like God is yelling at me (in His peaceful insistent way), while I blindly go on my way pretending not to listen... all the while thinking surely He's not talking to me. Now that you know some of my thought processes (you're welcome), I'll get to my point.

The other day I was driving to work (on a Sunday, which by the way should be illegal) and I decided to listen to a radio preacher (I don't so this often). To my surprise, he was pretty good. He talked about the way we all live feeling almost sorry for ourselves because (fill in the blank), and that our troubles are simply a part of life; surprise, surprise. The focus of his sermon was asking his congregation (or ticked off lady on the way to work), if we were truly ready to become a disciple, or true follower of Christ, because well, that pretty much means giving your life to Him- your whole life. It means throwing off anything that hinders us and serving for the Kingdom and His name... scary. The coincidence is, that I helped residents were I work to their Church service, and out pastor preached on the EXACT SAME THING.

Whether God orchestrated that specifically for me or not, it got me thinking. What all would I have to give up for Him? Would I be happy? Could I do the things I love? And, what exactly does all this look like? Unfortunately I don't have all the answers as of now, but I do feel a calling to pay attention; to maybe try to listen for His guidance, and actually pray about things in life. I think that maybe not everything has to be so horribly serious, except for loving Him- first.

Fall Flav.

I had to get in my yearly dose of fall flavor, here's what came of my little excursion..

Needless to say, it was a good time :)

No more rocks!

There is something so bittersweet about new beginnings. Some things will always stay the same, and some things, you guessed it, won't...

As I begin a new life in Dallas, Texas of all places, I am forced to have time alone. Time to reflect, and be honest with myself. Time for some reckoning. I've done some wrestling. Over the past two years, I've made a home, if only briefly, in 5 different cities. With each transition, I am forced to rely less on my surroundings, and more on myself; and hopefully, more on God.

Some say things can only get better after you reach "rock bottom." Well, I'm afraid it has taken God slowly dragging my sorry bum across rock bottom for me to finally say to myself, "Hey.. something isn't right here." I have joked with a certain pang of sad truth that while others touch bottom and propel upward, I have been caught in a trend of bouncing from what I thought was bottom to an even deeper abyss of ouch. Figuratively speaking, my butt is raw. I should probably start standing up again.

How does one do this you say? I'm still figuring it out, but I do know now that it involves learning to let go of even the tightest pulls in your chest, and thinking less about oneself... I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to at least admire the trees.

Almost every new place I move to I find myself asking, "What am I doing here again?" And then I make a home, and friends, and God moves with me and does some cool things, and I'm better again. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing that trust game with God; you know, the one where one person stands behind you, and you have to close your eyes, hope they catch you, and fall back into their arms. Of course, He's a good catcher, but every time is a new fear to face.

On the bright side, I am learning so much. I'm learning a new meaning to the word "grace," and "humility," oh, and of course, "rock bottom.":) I've had the pleasure of sharing experiences with many people, and learned a lot through them. One silly analogy that someone told me comes to mind. He told me that when we experience difficult or challenging times, to think of it as mining for gold. The deeper you go/dig, and the harder things get, the more gold you will have in the end.

I have also appreciated Eleanor Roosevelt's quote: " Every time you meet a situation you think at the time is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before."
It seems, that freedom, is not free.

Surrender however, is proving to be endlessly rewarding.

As of late, I have been meditating on this:

" Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

However much I desire to have control of my life, I am painstakingly learning that I can't, and that it is probably better that way.

So, here's to discovering the mercy in surrender, learning to admire the "trees" in the woods, and landing on something nice and fluffy- something nice on the buns. :)


  

ramblings..

I always have so much running through my brain that I want to share and then I look at this blank page and get so intimidated!

Sometimes I feel that it is so hard to put into words what one really feels or thinks about. To write for me is to slow down, to study, and reflect.. So I guess I'll start with what is on my mind now.

Anger. I have read and fully agree that "anger is the anesthetic of the mind." -C.S. Lewis. Out of it we build walls of self-protection and subsequently begin to hurt others out of it. Anger blinds us to anything else but what has hurt us, and allows us to lose sight of what is ultimately important. Even if our anger is just, it does not set us, or the other party, free.
This is what I have been discovering...

It sucks that most of the time we learn the hard way. I sometimes wish that I was perfect, not lacking in understanding, self control, or wisdom. But here I am, trekking thought this messy life the hard way. Hurting myself, and others, hoping deeply that somehow I am saved by His grace.

However, once the anger dies down, and forgiveness begins to take root, isn't the truth that all we really want is redemption and reconciliation? Don't we simply long for peace and unity? All hippie talk aside, I realize that all I truly desire is His will.. whatever that is.. to mold my life. I am a shifting sand without His forgiving, guiding hand in my life.


On completely different note, a good friend and I discovered a sweet new little place to study in downtown Dallas... it's a small picture but isn't it cute?! I thought so too.

It's September.. !

Oh me oh my, fall time is around the corner once again, and I must write. Fall is by far one of my favorite seasons... I am so excited for fall color, scents and flavors! And speaking of seasons changing, I am now getting nestled into a new surrounding, a new home- Dallas. The city is big, and a little intimidating, but I am excited to find my little niches. My lovely friends, Mark and Rebekah Wampler have graciously welcomed me into their home, and I now have a new biggest fan- Davie, their loving pup.

So, here I am, yet another move, another change.. I am learning that in the midst of the swirling chaos of a storm, I might as well position myself in the eye, seek what peace I can, and wait it out.. At some point the storm has to subside, and the rebuilding will hopefully be stronger than before.

It's funny really, even in the darkest hour, during the most incredible storm, little rays of hope and love show themselves. For instance, being in Dallas, I will be able to help my cousin and his wife with their new little baby girl. I will be their closest family. I have been graced with the opportunity to re-kindle precious friendships and make some pretty awesome new ones. God graces me with love even when I feel like I don't deserve it or want it, without restraint. He loves even the ugliest, most wretched me I can be, He loves me.

A quick hello!

Hi there! Thanks for visiting my new blog! I just wanted to set the tone for what I hope this blog will inspire..

I want to dig deep... like ocean deep. I am a strong believer that life is too short to be surfacey and "nice" all the time. If you have ever experienced anything in your life, you probably know that we all have our crap. Crap happens to us, we crap on other people.. it really can become quite a mess at times. Don't worry, I don't want to talk about crap incessantly, instead I would rather focus on the "small graces," the little pieces of hope and love that we are blessed with in even the darkest of times. Sometimes we have to dig a little to find these nuggets of hope and joy, but through it all I believe we will learn a lot. I know I am.

So, here's to a journey through love, laughter, tears and fears, and the little blossoms of joy in between.