No more rocks!

There is something so bittersweet about new beginnings. Some things will always stay the same, and some things, you guessed it, won't...

As I begin a new life in Dallas, Texas of all places, I am forced to have time alone. Time to reflect, and be honest with myself. Time for some reckoning. I've done some wrestling. Over the past two years, I've made a home, if only briefly, in 5 different cities. With each transition, I am forced to rely less on my surroundings, and more on myself; and hopefully, more on God.

Some say things can only get better after you reach "rock bottom." Well, I'm afraid it has taken God slowly dragging my sorry bum across rock bottom for me to finally say to myself, "Hey.. something isn't right here." I have joked with a certain pang of sad truth that while others touch bottom and propel upward, I have been caught in a trend of bouncing from what I thought was bottom to an even deeper abyss of ouch. Figuratively speaking, my butt is raw. I should probably start standing up again.

How does one do this you say? I'm still figuring it out, but I do know now that it involves learning to let go of even the tightest pulls in your chest, and thinking less about oneself... I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to at least admire the trees.

Almost every new place I move to I find myself asking, "What am I doing here again?" And then I make a home, and friends, and God moves with me and does some cool things, and I'm better again. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing that trust game with God; you know, the one where one person stands behind you, and you have to close your eyes, hope they catch you, and fall back into their arms. Of course, He's a good catcher, but every time is a new fear to face.

On the bright side, I am learning so much. I'm learning a new meaning to the word "grace," and "humility," oh, and of course, "rock bottom.":) I've had the pleasure of sharing experiences with many people, and learned a lot through them. One silly analogy that someone told me comes to mind. He told me that when we experience difficult or challenging times, to think of it as mining for gold. The deeper you go/dig, and the harder things get, the more gold you will have in the end.

I have also appreciated Eleanor Roosevelt's quote: " Every time you meet a situation you think at the time is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before."
It seems, that freedom, is not free.

Surrender however, is proving to be endlessly rewarding.

As of late, I have been meditating on this:

" Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

However much I desire to have control of my life, I am painstakingly learning that I can't, and that it is probably better that way.

So, here's to discovering the mercy in surrender, learning to admire the "trees" in the woods, and landing on something nice and fluffy- something nice on the buns. :)