Growing Pains

Today, I felt about an inch tall.

Does it ever happen to you?

You know, the days it seems like nothing is going the way you planned, all of your insecurities and negative thoughts peek their little head into your mind, no one seems to want to answer your calls and you just figure that everyone must have simply forgotten that you existed... 

Yes, this was me today.

I have to admit, because of my past experience and my current situation, I often times feel a tinge of sadness, but that paired with being alone for too long, and a laundry list of not-going-rights, I feel down right crappy. 

I started making a sort of mental list of what I was upset about, things that gave me a right to feel the way I did. After a while I decided that this was more than I could handle, so I decided to think of a way to "release" some of the "pressure." So, while driving into town I let out a good, frustrated scream. Yep, I sure did. And guess what? It didn't really help. It just gave me a sore throat.

I blubbered and whined for a little bit while tears rolled down my cheeks, thinking of how wrong my life has gone in the past 3 years and all the crud I have to deal with because of it.. And then, I couldn't take it anymore.

I had to "woman up." 

It's like all of the sudden I got tired of myself. Tired of spending all of my energy on my full-blown pity party. Now, don't get me wrong. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday I feel the grief of my divorce, and worse, my marriage. My failures creep into my mind on the daily. I have feelings that I pray for God to relieve me of.

BUT

I realized that there's no use in bathing in the toxic spring of self-pity. So much time and energy is wasted... and it leaves me no better off, simply bitter, and sore..

I want to feel like a strong woman again. I know that God can use all of these things for good if I allow Him to. Much rests on my ability to let go and accept my past, so that He can mold my future. At times like these I try to remind myself that God says:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
-John 10:10

I thought I would share this with you all so that hopefully you can be encouraged in the fact that you aren't the only looney out there who screams in their car (maybe that's just me?), or throws massive pity paloozas for themselves. I think it's in our nature, but it's so important to realize that God has so much better for us.

And gosh he's cute isn't he?

Heart to Heart.

I know when I created this blog I said I was going to be real and raw about the journey of going through divorce (maybe in more eloquent wording), and well, frankly I haven't been writing a whole lot on the subject. Honestly, a lot of it stems from insecurity. I have had plenty of ideas about what I could write to potentially encourage and resonate with another suffering person, but then I wonder, "What if I give a bad piece of advice?" or "What if I really don't know at all what I'm talking about?" Well, though those things could always be possible, it probably should not prevent me from sharing. 

So, here goes...

Although the journey is different for everyone, we all face similar feelings and fears. We probably all lose more than just our spouse; we lose friends, community, and our familiar way of life. That in itself is hard for anyone to venture through. And although there are wonderful books and counselors out there to help us navigate the ways to best travel the valleys of grief and loss, the journey is always ultimately within ourselves. 

Divorce is complicated, and no matter how clean the cut may seem, I believe it is always messy. For example, one question that I frequently ask myself is, "What do I do with my memories?" Let's say I'm only referring to good ones right now. Do I allow myself to treasure certain ones? What if some day I meet someone else and something reminds me of my first husband and I begin to feel guilty? Do I shut them (the memories) out? 

One thing I have learned is that shutting out is usually not the greatest plan. For one, just because I try to tell myself to forget about something, it does not mean I will forget about it. In fact, I think it will linger even longer that way. Not dealing with things is still dealing with them, just very poorly. Even if I think I have a memory "whipped" in my conscience thought life, I will probably see it in my dreams. My mind is determined to deal with things even if I'm not.

Don't you just love dreams?! For me, everything comes back so intensely, like I'm experiencing it all over again. Sometimes, I can even remember certain smells. Weird. 

In most of my dreams pertaining to my ex-husband (I hate saying those words by the way), the biggest feeling I have is rejection. It's really good for a woman's heart let me tell you!!

But I'm getting stronger. A lot stronger. And another thing I realize is pity parties are like shooting yourself in an already sore foot- they don't do much for you. :)

I think that's enough for tonight, so let me send you with some encouragement. Whatever you are facing, it can get better if you allow it to. Give it time. I always secretly hated when people said that to me because divorce, like any loss, feels so permanent, so life-changing, but it's true. God can work in literally any situation, you just have to be willing to surrender to His guidance. 

Another thing, go easy on yourself. Not in the throw yourself a major pity-fest sort of way, but don't expect too much of yourself, even if you feel pressure to "move on." Unfortunately and fortunately we were made with big, sensitive hearts. Capable of experiencing sheer joy, and painstaking sorrow. Lastly, don't give up on yourself, and don't forget about others. Your focus on others will be therapeutic during this time, and treasuring your inner self, imperative. 

Goodnight for now!

Plaza 10K

Guess whaaat??? 

I did it! I ran an entire 10K for the very first time!!!! 

It was an absolutely glorious morning.

And, I'm still alive and kickin'!

I had two goals on mind. One- finish without walking.. check. And two- to run it in less than an hour (not super lofty for all you running buffs)-double check!

My average pace was 9:22 min/ mile. I have to say it was not easy. The first few miles were fun and then the real challenge began.. Although I wish I could have been faster I am proud just for the fact that I finally forced myself to train for something and then accomplish it. It feels good. A few years ago I started to "train" for a 10K and frivolously gave up the idea  after I realized it would take more discipline then what I was ready for. I'm glad that I've come full circle. I feel that discipline is necessary for everyone, especially when times get tough. It gives you confidence in what you do as well as the ability to enjoy it for what it is. Even if you can't control how you feel about certain parts of your life at times, discipline allows you to take pride in something that you can. 

Mona Lisa.

Today is September 11th, 2013; twelve years after America's tragic World Trade Center bombing. It was a Tuesday. Do you remember where you were? What you were doing? I was in junior high, but Mom had stopped at a Discount Tire before she dropped me off at school. I sat there in the waiting room not sure of what I was watching..

I'm sure the people of New York 

felt the same way.

Why am I bringing this up twelve years later? Because I think it's important. If we don't occasionally remember certain things in our history how will we know how to act going forward? While working at Grace, my senior friends shamed me when they discovered the pathetic amount of American history I knew. Now, I understand why. They came from a generation of do-ers. The Great Depression and World War II defined a large part of their lives. They lost loved ones themselves, and watched others lose theirs. Their family fought hard for what they believed in. They gave all they had for our Country, just like our founding fathers did.

I come from a generation that has received the benefits and luxury fought for by former generations. I came into America stretching my arms out wide, and breathing in deep its sweet, free air. I don't know what it's like to lose someone to war. And I have been oblivious to the cost others have paid for my freedom. In school, it was hard for me to even imagine George Washington as a real person. He looked more like the painting of a stranger to me, like the Mona Lisa. Silly me. Stupid me!! I have so much to be grateful for; so much to learn from them...
However, I do know now that with freedom comes with great responsibility.

It is our turn to stand up for what is right; to continue to fight for what our founding fathers brilliantly built from the ground up. We have to, or it will most definitely be taken from us.

Memories.

It is so funny going back to places you haven’t seen in a long time. The memories and feelings you felt so long ago come flooding back along with the blunt and unavoidable realization that things have changed.

         Being back home, I’ve had plenty of these times come up, but today was different. Today it was so in my face that I had to find my old place of rest, Bluestem Bistro, and write. There was no way I could just drive home, not today.

          Exactly 2 ½ years ago, I said, “I do.” I committed my heart to a person and an idea that I believed in. A year ago on the 24^th I was divorced. So yes, things are different for me now. As I walked the familiar streets of campus to Justin Hall, a building where fond, now slightly painful memories linger, I found myself envying the naïve college students. I remembered the lightness and freedom of this time in my life. I remember the feeling of having my whole life ahead of me, and being so excited for it. I wanted to be naïve again. Part of me still wishes I could go back in time and start over. I feel like I have seen too much; experienced more than I bargained for.

         The purpose of my coming back to campus was to meet with an old professor of mine, to discuss the recommendation letter she will write for me. One thing that gives me comfort is the way my old professors, family, and friends still believe in me. Even though I took an interesting journey after college instead of going straight into grad school, they seem to think that I am no worse for the ware, maybe even better for it.

         Something that you gain through the mess of grieving and loss is the ability to empathize, to learn patience with others because of the patience others have shown to you. Nobody wants to trade a care-free, blissful life for a hurricane of crud so thick you can barely see straight, but it happens anyway, and there is always good that can come of it.

         I am currently in the search for the good, for the… “So now what?”

I hope and pray that God makes something beautiful of my mess, and I believe He can, maybe even something greater than my little mind had planned for itself.  

Pictures.

Oh Dear,

Once again it has been too, too long. It's not like I don't think of awesome, inspiring things to write about I promise! It's just that I.. well.. don't sit down to do it enough. But I haaaave been thinking. 

This blog was meant to give a fairly open and honest perspective on life; the good, the bad, and the "So I'm NOT the only one who feels this way?!" sort of feeling. My goal was to connect with you in some manner that hopefully caused you to think, empathize, maybe laugh, and not feel so horribly alone in this world! This is a hard place to live sometimes after all. I still want to pursue this, but I'd also like to talk about some not-so-serious things too, if that's okay?

One idea that I have mulled over is (drum roll please)...... Topics! Yes! 

Have you ever taken the time to think about one particular aspect of life? I mean really think about it? Of course you have. What do you say we do it together?! Yes? Great. Let's start. 

 Pictures. Visual representations of our brief, yet meaningful time on Earth.

What's so great about pictures? Everybody takes them. Nearly everyone is familiar with their purpose and importance, and yet, they have so many different meanings and serve people in so many ways. They are taken for sheer enjoyment, practice, to create and represent a memory. They can represent an accomplishment, a wonderful (or terrible) moment in history, or they can mean nothing at all! They can be used to share with family and friends, or kept for our own enjoyment. And they, like anything else, can be abused. A picture is what you want it to be. 

The purpose of pictures, like cars, has changed. Cars used to be valued for their ability to get us from point A to B. Now they are prized for their features, their speed, their finesse. We can judge others based on what they drive. With the introduction of the internet, the purpose of pictures has changed. Let's be honest, we like attention. Everybody likes to feel heard and seen to some extent. And now, with Instagram, Facebook, and so many more social media apps I can't think straight, "sharing" is horribly easy. I say horribly because if you aren't careful, you can get seriously hooked. Without discipline, we can allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the gratification that comes from being "liked" and soon, we need it.

Now, I'm just putting this out there, but doesn't it seem like most times we are disappointed? Possibly because our need for human interaction requires more than just a screen? I don't know about you all, but it seems the more satisfied with my own life I am, the less I feel the need for others' approval in the form of "likes" and nice comments. Not that these things are bad! I just think they require balance, like literally everything else in our lives. I love Instagram, but I don't love feeling inadequate because of it, ya know?! I also love correct grammar too, most of the time.. 

Whew, off my soap box now.

Isn't it fascinating that the same picture can evoke feelings of joy and happiness at one moment in time, and evoke feelings of sadness and even anger at others. Pictures don't change, but we do! 

Who knew their was so much to say about pictures?!

Speaking of.. here are just a few of my more recent favorites:

In Texas, bluebonnets are adored and they only in season for about three weeks. Here's a picture from when I took my lovely seniors on a trip to see the fields of Ennis, Texas.

This is from the same event. I call it, "Three Amigos." 

Aren't they adorable?!

This is my Dad, he's a good man, and he likes to farm.

This was taken at the Bishop Arts District in Dallas. You should most definitely visit if you are passing through. It is a diamond in the ruff. You may think you are going to be shot on your way through Oak Cliff, but press on and you will behold a mini hipster paradise. 

That's all for now folks! Until next time!

Goals

I think I was wiser at the age of 12 than I am now in one regard: goal-setting.

I made up tons of little goals and promises to myself.. everything from riding dolphins (which I would still love!) to writing all of the fun things I would do with my future husband- ha! 

There is something to say for having goals. My goals have been all but null and void the last couple years or so..  My focus has been scattered between just trying to feel normal again and feeling like their was not much left for me to aspire to (a lie from the devil himself). I haven't verbalized a whole lot of goals out of fear of not reaching them and then feeling like a failure. Well, I'm sure even the greatest people experienced a failure or two before reaching their goals, but that's just a guess ;) So, in light of this realization, I'd like to post a few goals or destinations I would like to arrive at in the nearer-than-not future.

But first, I have to write a couple fantasies I have that may be a little farther from reality, just for fun:

~ It has been a long day, emotions of yesterday are creeping in, and realities of today are a challenge. It was hard to go through the day trying to be okay.. so I come home and begin to play. Everything I wish I could say floats beautifully away from the piano in musical words I would never dream of being able to express. Whatever I am feeling lifts away like a prayer, released to the heavens to be turned into a beautiful masterpiece by the only One that has the power to surpass all understanding. 

~ I have gone to school to acquire the knowledge and skill I need to help anyone I want to. I travel to beautiful foreign countries and offer myself to those who have never known the luxury of so many things I take for granted every day. I make a difference for many only in the way a good friend would, with humility, wisdom, and determination. I am not well known, except for in the hearts of these special people that touch my life probably more than I could theirs.

~ Somehow, through this mess of a life, God enables me to have the understanding and words to speak to those who want to give up hope. Maybe they feel they are too far gone; they can't see their infinite worth, or they are so angry they don't know the difference. Truth is spoken and wounds in both of us are healed. This is the real, good life.

And finally..
~ It is a cool evening, the crowd is restless and ready for their show. We have been practicing for months. I pull on the last of my bright pink and black, spandex uniform. My entrance is nearing. I can hear the low rustle of the crowd and am filled with what feels like static electricity. The song begins, the curtains draw and I am behind him; one of six of Justin Timberlake's back up dancers.
... Okay, so I made this one up, but at least I got your imagination going! :)  


** Now, to be honest. I'd like to mention that these are fantasies that I have sometimes, when I am feeling whole and loved myself. Just because I enjoy helping others, does not mean that I cannot be a wretch. In fact I sometimes frankly suck at loving the people closest to me (why does it happen like that)? So, in the meantime I pray I will love my family and best friends in the best way I can.. :S


Okay, now for the fun and less serious goals:

- Healthier living. I have a MAJOR sweet tooth and simply enjoy almost any kind of food- but it is not a mutual agreement between me and my body. So, the goal is to find foods that are agreeable to both! This also includes a better workout schedule- I don't care if it's running, yoga, a walk, swimming or what have you, I just need more discipline in this area of my life. Which brings me to my next goal...

- To run a 10k!..... I can do it, I can do it, I can do it... Thomas the Train will be my inspiration.

- Become more diligent in my hobbies: art, craftsy-things, horseback riding, gardening, and cooking! I'd love to take some art/pottery classes. Who's with me?!

ANNNDDDD finally,

- Write a book- just kidding! (if I ever do this, and you read this statement I'll give ya 50 bucks, or a kiss, or ... a book!)


What are some of your goals/aspirations/fantasies?


Love ya!
Brenna 

the trouble with trouble

Ahhh Ray.. He knows how to soothe the soul.

So, the trouble with trouble is..

Well, I don't really have a straight answer for that, but I do know that for some reason, when it rains, it pours. And it seems that trouble has a lurking shadow. So what is our part in this? Do we contribute to this downward spiral at times? I believe so. No, I know so.

I will be battling within throughout this post because, well.. you'll soon understand.

Throughout some of my time spent with my elderly friends, I have come to the realization that everyone will go though some sort of trouble in their lifetime. Some much more than others, but nonetheless, everyone will have their woes.

Let me share how I have responded to mine. In few words, I can describe my behavior much like a child throwing a tantrum. Kicking and screaming, blaming others at times, intent on being unhappy and miserable no matter what anyone does for me, and believing that the world is out to get me. Pretty pathetic right? Here's why things are so difficult.. 

I am a human. I don't like things to hurt. Sometimes, an aching pain can make one feel like they are going to lose it. I yearn for understanding; to feel like I don't suffer alone. Anger is usually, if not always, a cover for a stinging wound. When a person is hurt, it can change the way they view the world, at least for some time. It is easy for resentment to set in. And, let's be honest, we all screw up, but who wants to deal with feelings of guilt and regret? They can be unbearable! This is why I struggle in writing this- because I am attempting to kick my own butt with my own wounded "foot". 

I think it's so important to talk, and write and pray about these things so that they do not have the opportunity to fester, and get horribly infected and ugly. No one is perfect, so we must learn to forgive others and ourselves in order to let God use us and to simply move on. We all need understanding.

I still struggle with stigmas. I wish people were more open to talking about their struggles, their heartache. How much more could we help each other if we destroyed our own walls and opened ourselves up to support and healing? Vulnerability is hard, I know. But we get so much farther with it.  

Bad Blogger

If I ever held an audience here I'm sure you are all long gone...

But I'll keep writing anyway.

Warning: Considering the fact that I haven't written in months I apologize for the randomness that is about to ensue.

Hmm, I'll start with what I've been up to in the great city of Dallas (really it's not so bad). I spend the majority of my time with seniors with dementia (which I love). You know what I love about them? They are so unassuming. They're honest, even if that means telling you you need to take a class on how to instruct exercise classes. It makes their compliments so much more.. real. I have learned so much from them. More on that later.
I've also been taking a few exercise classes including kickboxing- so if you mess with me, I'll kick your ass.. literally.. multiple times. Ha.

Anyway, Dallas has much to offer in the way of dancing- everything from dub-step to two-step; and boy do these people take their two-stepping seriously. You better wear boots or you're a foreigner.. I experienced more culture shock walking into a "Cowboys" than walking down the streets of inner city Costa Rica. It's fun though, especially if a man knows what he's doing.

Another enthralling cultural experience was salsa dancing. I've done a little salsa dancing before but apparently I had no idea how serious this could be. Wear heels and a dress or you're a foreigner. I must warn all who have never experienced this before- do NOT tell an hombre you are still learning, or you WILL be taken advantage of. You will be stuck in some awkward position wondering, are we dancing or... let's just say I like to dance close but this was just... too... close.. for comfort. Maybe I just got stuck with an over-eager Juan. Haha, who knows.

If you are ever in Dallas, visit the Bishop Arts District. It's like a teeny, tiny, four-block long Austin. It's cool. GREAT food, and really cute boutiques. The people are pretentious too- it's perfect! I am exceedingly amused at pretentious people, I want to mess with them, or just look at them in the face and say "Seriously"? Okay, now I'm rambling and being a punk. Anyway, some day I'll get my balls back, they've been a bit squashed lately. Sorry Grandma if you're reading this, it's the best example of a smashed self-concept I could think of. More on that later.

Something that I highly appreciate about a few of my seniors is their ability to laugh at themselves. I have a lady who finds it hilarious that sometimes she doesn't knows where the heck she is, or what the heck she's doing there. She just laughs, so then I do too. She also randomly bursts into her signature tune and proceeds to dance along to her own music.. she. is. awesome. I want to be like her if I ever get dementia.. will you remind me of that? Because I'm sure I won't remember..

I'll wrap up my list of ramblings with a quick story. While visiting family in Colorado, I decided to stop into a Barnes and Noble to search for a helpful book on divorce recovery. We asked a middle-aged woman who then proceeded to lead us straight to a particular book, and then tell me that it is "ok" to scream, just to try to not do it in public as it is frowned upon. Then, she suggested writing a certain name on squares of tissue paper and then flushing them down.. People's advice never ceases to humor me. But she was sweet and sincere, and probably just wanted to offer some comfort to a seemingly distressed and fearful kid.

Well, that's all for today. Look for me in another couple of months!


oh PS- I had a cockroach wake me from sleep because it was doing the dougie on my face. I'm ready for the Amazon!



(Just in case you need a refresher on the fine art of the dougie..)

119. Trees

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

-Joyce Kilmer

My senior residents love this poem, and now I do too.

Leggo my ego!

Okay, it's been a minute. I take that back, I've always kind of laughed when people said that seriously..

Anyway, I have finally forced myself to sit down and take the time to write. I must confess, many times, I will be driving home from work thinking up the most profound blog post ideas, walk through the door, and BAM- gone. My brain is awesome like that. Me and Dory from "Finding Nemo" would be the best of friends.

On to what I actually waned to write about- the ego. Not specifically the ego itself, but what experience has been teaching me about it. First of all, I have learned a lot, in oh, say, the past six months. It has begun with me being knocked on my butt as I have described in previous posts. However, now that I am slowly becoming grounded again, I am seeing a once abstract, confusing picture of my life, transform into something slightly more understandable and even more eye-opening. Many of life's circumstances are painful blessings in disguise if we will allow them to be. I will be so bold as to say that God can certainly use any situation for good. However, most of the time we are just too blind or stubborn to see it, or allow it.

I am reading a book about Abraham Lincoln. In it, it tells of Lincoln's failures and how fiercely they ate at him at times. It then tells of a period in his life that he began to come to terms with his failures. A quote of Jung's is what I found most interesting: "The experience of the self is always a defeat for the ego." It reads on, "Only through such experiences, however, can true psychological growth occur: 'The widening of consciousness is at first upheaval and darkness, then a broadening out of man to the whole man.'" - The Inner World of Abraham Lincoln by Michael Burlingame.

Humility requires a cost, but so does pride. However, in humility we see so much more and ultimately become far happier. I am also reading the Chronicles of Narnia-- annnd loving it! Just saying.. Anyway, in book four, Prince Caspian, after winning a battle to rightfully claim his throne back from his evil uncle, King Miraz, Caspain appears before the awed and feared Aslan. Aslan asks Caspian if he feels himself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia. Caspain answers "I- I don't think I do, Sir." Aslan answers, "Good. If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not." Aslan then names him King of Narnia.

Simply stated, slowly I am being persuaded to take my gaze off of myself. I am able to see that there are many people who experience pain, loss, and face things in life they never dreamt of. I am NOT the only one. As a matter of fact, when I look at what some must face, I feel spared; blessed even. It is hard being so young, naive and blindingly egocentric. We tend to think we know everything when the truth is, the more you realize you don't know, the wiser you are becoming!