Black Hole.

Do you remember, say 5th grade, learning about the "Black Hole"? This big, bizarre, mysterious and ominous presence in our universe? I remember very little about it, except that it was obviously present, but not well understood. Well, last night, as I laid in bed, I felt what I can only describe as a black hole somewhere deep in my chest. I think that most of the time I avoid or ignore its throbbing sensation, but last night, I let it be. 

I compare the feeling to that of a black hole because I really don't understand it. It hurts. But not in a stabbing sort of way, in more like a throbbing, aching, and haunting sort of way. I'm also not sure what provokes it. I know it must have something to do with my ex-husband/ divorce, but I can't seem to figure out which parts of those topics I'm lamenting. I am also not sure if it is sadness, anger, confusion, or loneliness. I think it is a bit of it all. There is a particular kind of loneliness that I believe you can only experience after being married. The reason I say this is, in what other circumstance do you give your entire self, life, and future to the graces of one sole person? 

I know that not all people experience what I am now experiencing. Some can carry on and move on without hardly missing a beat. Not me. In the very depths of my soul I made a promise, not just to my (ex) husband, but to God and to myself. How do I reconcile to myself a promise that I held with true honest conviction? Divorce has proved to be a devastating part of my life, and I am sill feeling the repercussions. I may have married the wrong man, and I may have acted poorly as a wife, but the truth is, I gave my whole heart to one person and it has made me a fool.