119. Trees

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

-Joyce Kilmer

My senior residents love this poem, and now I do too.

Leggo my ego!

Okay, it's been a minute. I take that back, I've always kind of laughed when people said that seriously..

Anyway, I have finally forced myself to sit down and take the time to write. I must confess, many times, I will be driving home from work thinking up the most profound blog post ideas, walk through the door, and BAM- gone. My brain is awesome like that. Me and Dory from "Finding Nemo" would be the best of friends.

On to what I actually waned to write about- the ego. Not specifically the ego itself, but what experience has been teaching me about it. First of all, I have learned a lot, in oh, say, the past six months. It has begun with me being knocked on my butt as I have described in previous posts. However, now that I am slowly becoming grounded again, I am seeing a once abstract, confusing picture of my life, transform into something slightly more understandable and even more eye-opening. Many of life's circumstances are painful blessings in disguise if we will allow them to be. I will be so bold as to say that God can certainly use any situation for good. However, most of the time we are just too blind or stubborn to see it, or allow it.

I am reading a book about Abraham Lincoln. In it, it tells of Lincoln's failures and how fiercely they ate at him at times. It then tells of a period in his life that he began to come to terms with his failures. A quote of Jung's is what I found most interesting: "The experience of the self is always a defeat for the ego." It reads on, "Only through such experiences, however, can true psychological growth occur: 'The widening of consciousness is at first upheaval and darkness, then a broadening out of man to the whole man.'" - The Inner World of Abraham Lincoln by Michael Burlingame.

Humility requires a cost, but so does pride. However, in humility we see so much more and ultimately become far happier. I am also reading the Chronicles of Narnia-- annnd loving it! Just saying.. Anyway, in book four, Prince Caspian, after winning a battle to rightfully claim his throne back from his evil uncle, King Miraz, Caspain appears before the awed and feared Aslan. Aslan asks Caspian if he feels himself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia. Caspain answers "I- I don't think I do, Sir." Aslan answers, "Good. If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not." Aslan then names him King of Narnia.

Simply stated, slowly I am being persuaded to take my gaze off of myself. I am able to see that there are many people who experience pain, loss, and face things in life they never dreamt of. I am NOT the only one. As a matter of fact, when I look at what some must face, I feel spared; blessed even. It is hard being so young, naive and blindingly egocentric. We tend to think we know everything when the truth is, the more you realize you don't know, the wiser you are becoming!

music for your soul

I'm telling you, Justin Vernon and Sean Carey know how to pull at my heartstrings. 

Between the delicate yet powerful piano voice, and their heartfelt, luminous melodies, I melt.

 This video is from earlier this year, but if you haven't appreciated it yet, I highly recommend doing so.

Enjoy.

Ready?

Growing up, I became the type of girl looking out for wondrous "signs" from God. I went to a small Christian school in junior high, and tended to take everything I learned incredibly serious. There was no joking around when it came to God. Everything was pitch black or stark white. Everything was either really good or terribly evil... I was awkward. However, to my credit, I was passionate, and serious, like I said...

So, naturally with an eager, fresh mind, I was always looking out for things God could be trying to tell me. After all, a sign could be anywhere... Well today, that's changed. I'm not so eager and fresh, and honestly sometimes I feel like God is yelling at me (in His peaceful insistent way), while I blindly go on my way pretending not to listen... all the while thinking surely He's not talking to me. Now that you know some of my thought processes (you're welcome), I'll get to my point.

The other day I was driving to work (on a Sunday, which by the way should be illegal) and I decided to listen to a radio preacher (I don't so this often). To my surprise, he was pretty good. He talked about the way we all live feeling almost sorry for ourselves because (fill in the blank), and that our troubles are simply a part of life; surprise, surprise. The focus of his sermon was asking his congregation (or ticked off lady on the way to work), if we were truly ready to become a disciple, or true follower of Christ, because well, that pretty much means giving your life to Him- your whole life. It means throwing off anything that hinders us and serving for the Kingdom and His name... scary. The coincidence is, that I helped residents were I work to their Church service, and out pastor preached on the EXACT SAME THING.

Whether God orchestrated that specifically for me or not, it got me thinking. What all would I have to give up for Him? Would I be happy? Could I do the things I love? And, what exactly does all this look like? Unfortunately I don't have all the answers as of now, but I do feel a calling to pay attention; to maybe try to listen for His guidance, and actually pray about things in life. I think that maybe not everything has to be so horribly serious, except for loving Him- first.

Fall Flav.

I had to get in my yearly dose of fall flavor, here's what came of my little excursion..

Needless to say, it was a good time :)

No more rocks!

There is something so bittersweet about new beginnings. Some things will always stay the same, and some things, you guessed it, won't...

As I begin a new life in Dallas, Texas of all places, I am forced to have time alone. Time to reflect, and be honest with myself. Time for some reckoning. I've done some wrestling. Over the past two years, I've made a home, if only briefly, in 5 different cities. With each transition, I am forced to rely less on my surroundings, and more on myself; and hopefully, more on God.

Some say things can only get better after you reach "rock bottom." Well, I'm afraid it has taken God slowly dragging my sorry bum across rock bottom for me to finally say to myself, "Hey.. something isn't right here." I have joked with a certain pang of sad truth that while others touch bottom and propel upward, I have been caught in a trend of bouncing from what I thought was bottom to an even deeper abyss of ouch. Figuratively speaking, my butt is raw. I should probably start standing up again.

How does one do this you say? I'm still figuring it out, but I do know now that it involves learning to let go of even the tightest pulls in your chest, and thinking less about oneself... I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to at least admire the trees.

Almost every new place I move to I find myself asking, "What am I doing here again?" And then I make a home, and friends, and God moves with me and does some cool things, and I'm better again. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing that trust game with God; you know, the one where one person stands behind you, and you have to close your eyes, hope they catch you, and fall back into their arms. Of course, He's a good catcher, but every time is a new fear to face.

On the bright side, I am learning so much. I'm learning a new meaning to the word "grace," and "humility," oh, and of course, "rock bottom.":) I've had the pleasure of sharing experiences with many people, and learned a lot through them. One silly analogy that someone told me comes to mind. He told me that when we experience difficult or challenging times, to think of it as mining for gold. The deeper you go/dig, and the harder things get, the more gold you will have in the end.

I have also appreciated Eleanor Roosevelt's quote: " Every time you meet a situation you think at the time is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before."
It seems, that freedom, is not free.

Surrender however, is proving to be endlessly rewarding.

As of late, I have been meditating on this:

" Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

However much I desire to have control of my life, I am painstakingly learning that I can't, and that it is probably better that way.

So, here's to discovering the mercy in surrender, learning to admire the "trees" in the woods, and landing on something nice and fluffy- something nice on the buns. :)


  

ramblings..

I always have so much running through my brain that I want to share and then I look at this blank page and get so intimidated!

Sometimes I feel that it is so hard to put into words what one really feels or thinks about. To write for me is to slow down, to study, and reflect.. So I guess I'll start with what is on my mind now.

Anger. I have read and fully agree that "anger is the anesthetic of the mind." -C.S. Lewis. Out of it we build walls of self-protection and subsequently begin to hurt others out of it. Anger blinds us to anything else but what has hurt us, and allows us to lose sight of what is ultimately important. Even if our anger is just, it does not set us, or the other party, free.
This is what I have been discovering...

It sucks that most of the time we learn the hard way. I sometimes wish that I was perfect, not lacking in understanding, self control, or wisdom. But here I am, trekking thought this messy life the hard way. Hurting myself, and others, hoping deeply that somehow I am saved by His grace.

However, once the anger dies down, and forgiveness begins to take root, isn't the truth that all we really want is redemption and reconciliation? Don't we simply long for peace and unity? All hippie talk aside, I realize that all I truly desire is His will.. whatever that is.. to mold my life. I am a shifting sand without His forgiving, guiding hand in my life.


On completely different note, a good friend and I discovered a sweet new little place to study in downtown Dallas... it's a small picture but isn't it cute?! I thought so too.