Bad Blogger

If I ever held an audience here I'm sure you are all long gone...

But I'll keep writing anyway.

Warning: Considering the fact that I haven't written in months I apologize for the randomness that is about to ensue.

Hmm, I'll start with what I've been up to in the great city of Dallas (really it's not so bad). I spend the majority of my time with seniors with dementia (which I love). You know what I love about them? They are so unassuming. They're honest, even if that means telling you you need to take a class on how to instruct exercise classes. It makes their compliments so much more.. real. I have learned so much from them. More on that later.
I've also been taking a few exercise classes including kickboxing- so if you mess with me, I'll kick your ass.. literally.. multiple times. Ha.

Anyway, Dallas has much to offer in the way of dancing- everything from dub-step to two-step; and boy do these people take their two-stepping seriously. You better wear boots or you're a foreigner.. I experienced more culture shock walking into a "Cowboys" than walking down the streets of inner city Costa Rica. It's fun though, especially if a man knows what he's doing.

Another enthralling cultural experience was salsa dancing. I've done a little salsa dancing before but apparently I had no idea how serious this could be. Wear heels and a dress or you're a foreigner. I must warn all who have never experienced this before- do NOT tell an hombre you are still learning, or you WILL be taken advantage of. You will be stuck in some awkward position wondering, are we dancing or... let's just say I like to dance close but this was just... too... close.. for comfort. Maybe I just got stuck with an over-eager Juan. Haha, who knows.

If you are ever in Dallas, visit the Bishop Arts District. It's like a teeny, tiny, four-block long Austin. It's cool. GREAT food, and really cute boutiques. The people are pretentious too- it's perfect! I am exceedingly amused at pretentious people, I want to mess with them, or just look at them in the face and say "Seriously"? Okay, now I'm rambling and being a punk. Anyway, some day I'll get my balls back, they've been a bit squashed lately. Sorry Grandma if you're reading this, it's the best example of a smashed self-concept I could think of. More on that later.

Something that I highly appreciate about a few of my seniors is their ability to laugh at themselves. I have a lady who finds it hilarious that sometimes she doesn't knows where the heck she is, or what the heck she's doing there. She just laughs, so then I do too. She also randomly bursts into her signature tune and proceeds to dance along to her own music.. she. is. awesome. I want to be like her if I ever get dementia.. will you remind me of that? Because I'm sure I won't remember..

I'll wrap up my list of ramblings with a quick story. While visiting family in Colorado, I decided to stop into a Barnes and Noble to search for a helpful book on divorce recovery. We asked a middle-aged woman who then proceeded to lead us straight to a particular book, and then tell me that it is "ok" to scream, just to try to not do it in public as it is frowned upon. Then, she suggested writing a certain name on squares of tissue paper and then flushing them down.. People's advice never ceases to humor me. But she was sweet and sincere, and probably just wanted to offer some comfort to a seemingly distressed and fearful kid.

Well, that's all for today. Look for me in another couple of months!


oh PS- I had a cockroach wake me from sleep because it was doing the dougie on my face. I'm ready for the Amazon!



(Just in case you need a refresher on the fine art of the dougie..)

119. Trees

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

-Joyce Kilmer

My senior residents love this poem, and now I do too.

Leggo my ego!

Okay, it's been a minute. I take that back, I've always kind of laughed when people said that seriously..

Anyway, I have finally forced myself to sit down and take the time to write. I must confess, many times, I will be driving home from work thinking up the most profound blog post ideas, walk through the door, and BAM- gone. My brain is awesome like that. Me and Dory from "Finding Nemo" would be the best of friends.

On to what I actually waned to write about- the ego. Not specifically the ego itself, but what experience has been teaching me about it. First of all, I have learned a lot, in oh, say, the past six months. It has begun with me being knocked on my butt as I have described in previous posts. However, now that I am slowly becoming grounded again, I am seeing a once abstract, confusing picture of my life, transform into something slightly more understandable and even more eye-opening. Many of life's circumstances are painful blessings in disguise if we will allow them to be. I will be so bold as to say that God can certainly use any situation for good. However, most of the time we are just too blind or stubborn to see it, or allow it.

I am reading a book about Abraham Lincoln. In it, it tells of Lincoln's failures and how fiercely they ate at him at times. It then tells of a period in his life that he began to come to terms with his failures. A quote of Jung's is what I found most interesting: "The experience of the self is always a defeat for the ego." It reads on, "Only through such experiences, however, can true psychological growth occur: 'The widening of consciousness is at first upheaval and darkness, then a broadening out of man to the whole man.'" - The Inner World of Abraham Lincoln by Michael Burlingame.

Humility requires a cost, but so does pride. However, in humility we see so much more and ultimately become far happier. I am also reading the Chronicles of Narnia-- annnd loving it! Just saying.. Anyway, in book four, Prince Caspian, after winning a battle to rightfully claim his throne back from his evil uncle, King Miraz, Caspain appears before the awed and feared Aslan. Aslan asks Caspian if he feels himself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia. Caspain answers "I- I don't think I do, Sir." Aslan answers, "Good. If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not." Aslan then names him King of Narnia.

Simply stated, slowly I am being persuaded to take my gaze off of myself. I am able to see that there are many people who experience pain, loss, and face things in life they never dreamt of. I am NOT the only one. As a matter of fact, when I look at what some must face, I feel spared; blessed even. It is hard being so young, naive and blindingly egocentric. We tend to think we know everything when the truth is, the more you realize you don't know, the wiser you are becoming!

music for your soul

I'm telling you, Justin Vernon and Sean Carey know how to pull at my heartstrings. 

Between the delicate yet powerful piano voice, and their heartfelt, luminous melodies, I melt.

 This video is from earlier this year, but if you haven't appreciated it yet, I highly recommend doing so.

Enjoy.

Ready?

Growing up, I became the type of girl looking out for wondrous "signs" from God. I went to a small Christian school in junior high, and tended to take everything I learned incredibly serious. There was no joking around when it came to God. Everything was pitch black or stark white. Everything was either really good or terribly evil... I was awkward. However, to my credit, I was passionate, and serious, like I said...

So, naturally with an eager, fresh mind, I was always looking out for things God could be trying to tell me. After all, a sign could be anywhere... Well today, that's changed. I'm not so eager and fresh, and honestly sometimes I feel like God is yelling at me (in His peaceful insistent way), while I blindly go on my way pretending not to listen... all the while thinking surely He's not talking to me. Now that you know some of my thought processes (you're welcome), I'll get to my point.

The other day I was driving to work (on a Sunday, which by the way should be illegal) and I decided to listen to a radio preacher (I don't so this often). To my surprise, he was pretty good. He talked about the way we all live feeling almost sorry for ourselves because (fill in the blank), and that our troubles are simply a part of life; surprise, surprise. The focus of his sermon was asking his congregation (or ticked off lady on the way to work), if we were truly ready to become a disciple, or true follower of Christ, because well, that pretty much means giving your life to Him- your whole life. It means throwing off anything that hinders us and serving for the Kingdom and His name... scary. The coincidence is, that I helped residents were I work to their Church service, and out pastor preached on the EXACT SAME THING.

Whether God orchestrated that specifically for me or not, it got me thinking. What all would I have to give up for Him? Would I be happy? Could I do the things I love? And, what exactly does all this look like? Unfortunately I don't have all the answers as of now, but I do feel a calling to pay attention; to maybe try to listen for His guidance, and actually pray about things in life. I think that maybe not everything has to be so horribly serious, except for loving Him- first.

Fall Flav.

I had to get in my yearly dose of fall flavor, here's what came of my little excursion..

Needless to say, it was a good time :)

No more rocks!

There is something so bittersweet about new beginnings. Some things will always stay the same, and some things, you guessed it, won't...

As I begin a new life in Dallas, Texas of all places, I am forced to have time alone. Time to reflect, and be honest with myself. Time for some reckoning. I've done some wrestling. Over the past two years, I've made a home, if only briefly, in 5 different cities. With each transition, I am forced to rely less on my surroundings, and more on myself; and hopefully, more on God.

Some say things can only get better after you reach "rock bottom." Well, I'm afraid it has taken God slowly dragging my sorry bum across rock bottom for me to finally say to myself, "Hey.. something isn't right here." I have joked with a certain pang of sad truth that while others touch bottom and propel upward, I have been caught in a trend of bouncing from what I thought was bottom to an even deeper abyss of ouch. Figuratively speaking, my butt is raw. I should probably start standing up again.

How does one do this you say? I'm still figuring it out, but I do know now that it involves learning to let go of even the tightest pulls in your chest, and thinking less about oneself... I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to at least admire the trees.

Almost every new place I move to I find myself asking, "What am I doing here again?" And then I make a home, and friends, and God moves with me and does some cool things, and I'm better again. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing that trust game with God; you know, the one where one person stands behind you, and you have to close your eyes, hope they catch you, and fall back into their arms. Of course, He's a good catcher, but every time is a new fear to face.

On the bright side, I am learning so much. I'm learning a new meaning to the word "grace," and "humility," oh, and of course, "rock bottom.":) I've had the pleasure of sharing experiences with many people, and learned a lot through them. One silly analogy that someone told me comes to mind. He told me that when we experience difficult or challenging times, to think of it as mining for gold. The deeper you go/dig, and the harder things get, the more gold you will have in the end.

I have also appreciated Eleanor Roosevelt's quote: " Every time you meet a situation you think at the time is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before."
It seems, that freedom, is not free.

Surrender however, is proving to be endlessly rewarding.

As of late, I have been meditating on this:

" Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

However much I desire to have control of my life, I am painstakingly learning that I can't, and that it is probably better that way.

So, here's to discovering the mercy in surrender, learning to admire the "trees" in the woods, and landing on something nice and fluffy- something nice on the buns. :)